I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I want to fling myself into the sun
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
