Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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