My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
