I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
