our cab driver is having phone sex.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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