There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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