We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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