so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just high enough for therapy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize