i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
