we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
