She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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