I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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