is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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