He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
