I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
