there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
