Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
