I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
