I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
