I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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