Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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