i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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