my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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