i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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