i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
