I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
