Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
And then my night got REAL pukey
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
