I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
