i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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