I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
