I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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