is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
