You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
