It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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