After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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