she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
