dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
