Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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