Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
