I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
