note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
