Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
