remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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