I could have mohawked her pubes.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
