woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
