i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
