i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
