im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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