Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
