I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
