apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
