Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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