well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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