i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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