omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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