I am puke
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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