textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
