His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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