If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
