What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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