I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
