How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
